


Loss (and gain)

by Anonymous



Category: Queen (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Established Relationship, Illnesses, M/M, Maylor baby, Miscarriage, Mpreg, baby drama, sad Brian
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-12
Updated: 2019-03-12
Packaged: 2019-11-16 09:29:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18091781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Attention, sensitive subject!! Mpreg, miscarriage.Based on this prompt in bohemian-rhapsody-slash in tumblr:"When Brian was rushed to the hospital with hepatitis, he was pregnant with a surprise Maylor baby. He hadn't told Roger though so when he inevitably miscarried because of the illness, he bottled it up and didn't tell anyone. If the boys noticed something was off about him they just assumed it was the result of being ill. Later, in the 80s when Brian's pregnant again (planned this time), he has a breakdown because he's terrified something will go wrong again. "What d'you mean again?" Roger asks."This is just an expansion of that idea (full credit to that anon!!!!!) because I love angst, and the idea kept running around in my head. Hope you like!





	Loss (and gain)

Brian had lost so much that day.

He'd been feeling wrong for a while, but he hadn't thought too much about it. He had heard that there were many changes in the body in the first trimester of pregnancy, that sometimes morning sickness could last the whole day, and he hadn't wanted to worry anyone, make them ask questions they shouldn't. He didn't know why he was waiting to tell Roger, but he wanted to make sure everything was okay between them before he told him.

And being in America was probably more important than that, he wouldn't want to cast a shadow over their first American tour with his news. No, he could wait. Roger was so excited and so focused on his music, on delivering great performances every night, on fascinating everyone in America, from fans to press, everyone. Brian wouldn't want to distract him. But things got very bad, very fast.

It was their last day in that week-long engagement as openers, and Brian felt like he was dying. He knew that he had to finish this concert, he couldn't let the band down, especially in such an important moment, so he just kept on going... It would only be minutes until the show ended, and he could do this. He wouldn't disappoint the band, his friends, all of that great audience. He was stronger than that, he could do it. For them.

But when they finished, he just... collapsed.

They flew him home, everyone around him sporting very concerned faces. Roger seemed close to tears, something that didn't look like him at all. He kept reassuring Brian, telling him that it was going to be okay. But he didn't believe it it, and neither did Brian. The situation was too dire for hope and reassurances to work.

Apparently, he was yellow and this was much serious than what he had anticipated. Apparently, what he had could be fatal and he would have to remain in isolation for quite some time. Hospitalised, alone, in pain. Queen had lost the chance to have a big tour in America because of him, He had lost the chance to show everyone what a great guitarist he could be, and he was going to lose so much more, months of his life, alone in the hospital, his mind going over and over, thinking about all that he had lost.

It hit him harder than expected, losing the baby. He had obviously known that the baby couldn't survive with him being so sick, when he himself was struggling to live, when he was so riddled with sickness... But still feeling the blood between his legs was a real blow. He had put so much hope, so much joy in this child. He had fallen in love with the idea of being a young parent, with him and Roger helping their little baby to walk, to talk... Now he'd lost that, too.

He cried for seven nights in a row, alone in his isolation hospital room. He had never hurt so bad, and not just because of the illness.

He'd lost so much.

This illness and him making Queen cut the tour short (their first American tour! After all that they worked for an opportunity like this!) probably meant that he had lost his place in the band, that they were going to get someone different, someone new. Freddie said that of course they wouldn’t, that they would wait for him until he recovered... But he was just saying those nice words because he was ill, wasn't he? He'd lost the opportunity to be in a band of dreams, with some of his best friends.

And not just that. Would Roger even want him back? They were going to spend so much time apart, and he had always had so many suitors... He would possibly meet someone new, someone better. Someone that didn't disappoint him like that. After such a long time, after all this distance... He could lose Roger too, Brian knew. It wouldn't be immediate, but they would be less intimate (“I just don't want to hurt you”) and eventually drift apart.

He would lose that the same way he’d lost everything else.

Brian was very happy that he hadn't told Roger about the baby, because he didn't want his love to go through the horror he was going through. He didn't need or deserve that, none of it. It would only bring pain and loss and grief. He could deal with it by himself, as much as it hurt.

Because it really hurt. Even if there hadn’t been any talk about babies, even if there hadn’t been any discussion of names, any cribs or anything like that… It still hurt. Brian had put up with terrible morning sickness (maybe this had masked the symptoms of his illness? Maybe this was a reason why he hadn’t realized that something was wrong before he collapsed) but he felt it was worth it, that it was small price to pay for having a child with Roger.

This was one of the things that hurt the most, it wasn’t just his baby that he’d lost, it was also Roger’s. Something made from the two of them, that wasn’t anything yet but could have been. Something that could have brought them closer together, something of the two of them. This may have been his only chance at having a child with Roger, and now it was gone.

Hell, this may have been his only chance at having a child at all. Brian didn’t know what side effects his illness could have, but there was sure to be plenty, and there was a good chance that even if he recovered, he could relapse, and maybe the chance for him to get pregnant was gone. After miscarrying once… It hurt knowing that he could lose that too.

This stupid illness had made him lose so much: that tour they’d worked so hard for, possibly his place in the band, and Roger, and their baby. He hurt oh so terribly, but he didn’t want to be weak, didn’t want to be a bother or a burden. After the whole ordeal in the hospital, after crying himself to sleep countless nights, he decided that he would leave those horrors in his hospital bed.

After all the troubles he’d caused, he needed to be an ideal bandmate (which he wasn’t because he was still exhausted and weak) and he needed to keep the sadness and grief at bay. If he didn’t there was a chance that he might lose himself completely, and lose whatever things he was able to salvage from his near-death experience.

Despite his fears, both Queen and Roger took him back, and seemed almost offended that he would think that he wasn’t wanted anymore. That he could be replaced so easily. That was good, but Brian was still nervous. He felt that he couldn’t fail again, he felt that was on very thin ice, and that if he wasn’t perfect everything would come undone.

All the sorrow from his lost baby made the recovery more difficult too. He wanted to be… intimate again with Roger, but he was scared, and he was a bit traumatized by what had happened. Roger was very patient and figured it had to do with his sickness, but did wonder if there was anything else going on. Brian was doing his best to pretend he was okay… which he clearly wasn’t.

Things went better, little by little. Their successes with the band, all those world tours, their fans, all the new songs they had going on helped ebb the pain a little. It hurt a bit less, because it was stuck in the past, and the past didn’t hurt as much as present. Brian never forgot, but he had managed not to let it hurt him too much. He had somehow handled it. Besides, he still had his guitar, his stars, Roger. He could make it, and he could be a story or survival and or rebuilding oneself. Which he did.

It was several years later when Roger brought up the subject of having a kid. They were having a break from all the touring and Roger could see how sweet Brian was with John’s kids, how much he melted. It was a good time, and Brian clearly wanted to have kids, same as him. So they tried, and they succeeded quite quickly.

But something was going on with Brian- He seemed so continuously terribly scared, and every little thing about the baby was cause for concern. If he had a little cold, he worried about the baby. If there a stain on the ultrasound, he worried about the baby. He was losing a lot of sleep being worried, as if he was awfully scared that a tragedy was right around the corner, when there was no need. He was relatively young and quite healthy, and according to the doctor’s there was no reason to fear about the baby.

So Roger asked what was going on. He hadn’t been ready for the answer.

Brian was crying, finally able to let go of this pain, of this shadow that had been with him for so long. In between tears, he confessed that he was terrified something might go wrong again.

“What do you mean again? You… you’ve been pregnant before?”

Brian nodded, trying to dry his tears.

“Was it before me? Why didn’t you say anything?”

“It wasn’t before you, Rog. The baby was yours. I got pregnant many years ago, but didn’t tell you because we were touring America, and that seemed more important. I... lost it when I got so sick with hep. I, I thought telling you would only bring more hurt, pointless pain. But I’m so scared for this child… I fear the same will happen... And wouldn’t be able to bear it again, not after…”

Roger enveloped him in a gentle warm embrace, sad that his partner had gone through all that alone, but understanding everything much better. How withdrawn Brian had been after recovering, the pain in his eyes, his overwhelming fear now. It all made sense.

“You really should have said something… This kind of things weigh on you, hurt you. I would have wanted to be there for you.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to be. It’s okay. But from now on, we’ll make sure everything goes okay with this baby, ok? Things don’t have to end badly just because they did once. We are in better place now, looking after ourselves much more, aren’t we? It will be okay.”

It was okay, in spite of a couple of scares. The next January, Brian gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, a bit small but perfectly healthy. Roger was overjoyed, and took a million pictures. This was what they wanted for so long, and it had finally happened. There was no tragedy, no loss.

After all the fear, after all the breakdowns, she was there with them, and it eased the pain from what he lost before. Brian looked at his baby girl’s blue eyes and forgot about all his losses.

After all that loss…Now it was his time to gain.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments mean the world :)


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